Here's a link to another article. This one talks about the parents reactions to disrespectful behavior and how to manage it. I think one can easily transfer the info to other situations with children.

You can find the article here. Melanie

I came across this article today. There are a couple great stories in it that remind me of some of the messages I'm sharing with parents as I present the Beyond Consequences Model. Take a look. Melanie

On Tuesday evening I presented some of the basic ideas of how to parent a child with difficult behaviors to a great group of parents. One of the main ideas in my presentation is that we as parents need to stay regulated in order to connect with our child, help them become regulated and then to teach them.

The following day, as I stood on the playground with one of the parents who attended the presentation, watching our children play, I said something to the effect that I'm not regulated all of the time but I continue to try! The other mom remarked that she was relieved to hear me say this. We laughed and went on with our conversation.

Later as I came back to the conversation in my head it dawned on me that we as parents can offer each other so much if we would recognize we are all trying our best to parent our children and yet we all fall short sometimes. If we could reach out to one another to support the efforts we see and encourage one another it seems to me we would make more progress. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all spoke the same language of regulation/dysregualtion too and had a similar understanding of our children's and our behaviors. I imagine it would be easier to support one another because we wouldn't jump to a judgement and turn away. We might offer some support to help the parent regulate, offer a small gift of time or even a nod of acknowledgement in support of the parents efforts! Now that would be a sure sign of parenting with love...love for our children...and love from our community! Melanie

I've been busy planning and presenting to parents information on the Beyond Consequences approach to parenting the child with difficult behaviors. As I do this I am reflecting on my journey through parenthood and the lessons I've learned. I've learned a lot. And though I most certainly don't have all of the answers I have been praying that I am able to share clearly the information I do have. I pray that I am able to speak in a way that parents are able to hear how they can create a strong parent child relationship with their precious child. I pray that I can help parents to find a place of understanding, compassion, peace and love...

Here are some of the opportunities to come to one of my presentations:

Tuesday February 16 I will be presenting to members of Gilda's Club at the Lowell (616-897-8600) clubhouse. If you are a member of Gilda's check out the calendar for more info or give the clubhouse a call.

Tuesday February 23rd at St.Stephen School in East Grand Rapids from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. Parenting the child with difficult behaviors. This is open to anyone interested and is free of charge.

Saturday March 13 at Eastern Avenue Christian Reformed Church Grand Rapids from 9:00am to 12:00pm I will be presenting to parents of adopted children on parenting the difficult child. This presentation will have specific information ofr parents of children experiencing Trauma. Please contact Adoptive Family Support Network (616-458-7945) or send me an message(mhogeterp@gmail.com) if you would like to attend this. This is also free of charge.

March 31 at Gilda's Club Grand Rapids I will be presenting to members of Gilda's Club at the Grand Rapids Clubhouse. Give the clubhouse a call(616 453-8300) for more information.

As always, let me know if you have suggestions or would like me to come to speak with your group or organizations. I'd love to hear from you.

Melanie

When we ask ourselves which persons in our lives means the most to us, we find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares" Henri Nouwen

I read this quote today after someone posted it on an online site I frequent. I wanted to share this here because it clearly expresses what many of us have experienced in our lives with an influential and important person in our lives and at the same time reminds us of how we should parent our children when they are dysregulated and under stress. Melanie

Some of the research that is happening in the area of neuroscience and behavior is fascinating. I recently heard a report about a study that was done on decision making. In the study subjects were asked to remember numbers. Some were given two numbers and others were given seven numbers. They were asked to go into another room to report the numbers and while they were on their way to the next room they were offered a choice between fruit salad and chocolate cake. The study found that subjects who were asked to remember the seven numbers were twice as likely to choose the chocolate cake than the subjects who were asked to remember two numbers. I think studies like these are able to help us understand more about ourselves and our children's behavior. The researchers talk in the presentation about the logical and emotional brain and decision making. I'd love for you to listen to the info. Follow this link and find the "listen" button. By the way the radio presentation of the research in not only interesting but it is also entertaining. It's well worth a few minutes of you time. Look for the "Willpower and the Slacker Brain" article here Melanie

"A connected family provides a child with her first experiences in feeling safe, powerful, purposeful and like she belongs." -Heather Forbes

Today I want to give you a practical example of how we can be aware of the fear in our children's lives.

Kevin is away for work this week. Although our children have experienced Kevin leaving and returning many times in the past they are each affected by his absence. One of my jobs while he is away is to be in tune with this and to reassure them. This is especially significant for the two adopted children who are more sensitive to the impression of abandonment. But I have heard this week from the other two that they "miss Dad".

The quote from Heather Forbes above refers to "feeling safe". Our children experiencing the absence of their father as an issue of safety. In this instance, the kids are experiencing a difference in their daily lives, one of the most important people in their lives is gone and this is scary to them. For the kids who have a small window of tolerance and have trouble staying regulated, this can be an even more difficult experience. And there can be more difficult behaviors My job this week has been (aside from all of the day to day jobs) is to stay regulated and provide the safe base for the kids. To reassure them and acknowledge their fears and anxieties. Just this presence awareness, and acknowledgement can make all the difference for them.

My hope is that you can begin to see some of the feelings of fear in your child and understand where their behavior are based. It will make all the difference. Melanie