Here's a link to another article. This one talks about the parents reactions to disrespectful behavior and how to manage it. I think one can easily transfer the info to other situations with children.

You can find the article here. Melanie

I came across this article today. There are a couple great stories in it that remind me of some of the messages I'm sharing with parents as I present the Beyond Consequences Model. Take a look. Melanie

On Tuesday evening I presented some of the basic ideas of how to parent a child with difficult behaviors to a great group of parents. One of the main ideas in my presentation is that we as parents need to stay regulated in order to connect with our child, help them become regulated and then to teach them.

The following day, as I stood on the playground with one of the parents who attended the presentation, watching our children play, I said something to the effect that I'm not regulated all of the time but I continue to try! The other mom remarked that she was relieved to hear me say this. We laughed and went on with our conversation.

Later as I came back to the conversation in my head it dawned on me that we as parents can offer each other so much if we would recognize we are all trying our best to parent our children and yet we all fall short sometimes. If we could reach out to one another to support the efforts we see and encourage one another it seems to me we would make more progress. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all spoke the same language of regulation/dysregualtion too and had a similar understanding of our children's and our behaviors. I imagine it would be easier to support one another because we wouldn't jump to a judgement and turn away. We might offer some support to help the parent regulate, offer a small gift of time or even a nod of acknowledgement in support of the parents efforts! Now that would be a sure sign of parenting with love...love for our children...and love from our community! Melanie

I've been busy planning and presenting to parents information on the Beyond Consequences approach to parenting the child with difficult behaviors. As I do this I am reflecting on my journey through parenthood and the lessons I've learned. I've learned a lot. And though I most certainly don't have all of the answers I have been praying that I am able to share clearly the information I do have. I pray that I am able to speak in a way that parents are able to hear how they can create a strong parent child relationship with their precious child. I pray that I can help parents to find a place of understanding, compassion, peace and love...

Here are some of the opportunities to come to one of my presentations:

Tuesday February 16 I will be presenting to members of Gilda's Club at the Lowell (616-897-8600) clubhouse. If you are a member of Gilda's check out the calendar for more info or give the clubhouse a call.

Tuesday February 23rd at St.Stephen School in East Grand Rapids from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. Parenting the child with difficult behaviors. This is open to anyone interested and is free of charge.

Saturday March 13 at Eastern Avenue Christian Reformed Church Grand Rapids from 9:00am to 12:00pm I will be presenting to parents of adopted children on parenting the difficult child. This presentation will have specific information ofr parents of children experiencing Trauma. Please contact Adoptive Family Support Network (616-458-7945) or send me an message(mhogeterp@gmail.com) if you would like to attend this. This is also free of charge.

March 31 at Gilda's Club Grand Rapids I will be presenting to members of Gilda's Club at the Grand Rapids Clubhouse. Give the clubhouse a call(616 453-8300) for more information.

As always, let me know if you have suggestions or would like me to come to speak with your group or organizations. I'd love to hear from you.

Melanie

When we ask ourselves which persons in our lives means the most to us, we find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares" Henri Nouwen

I read this quote today after someone posted it on an online site I frequent. I wanted to share this here because it clearly expresses what many of us have experienced in our lives with an influential and important person in our lives and at the same time reminds us of how we should parent our children when they are dysregulated and under stress. Melanie

Some of the research that is happening in the area of neuroscience and behavior is fascinating. I recently heard a report about a study that was done on decision making. In the study subjects were asked to remember numbers. Some were given two numbers and others were given seven numbers. They were asked to go into another room to report the numbers and while they were on their way to the next room they were offered a choice between fruit salad and chocolate cake. The study found that subjects who were asked to remember the seven numbers were twice as likely to choose the chocolate cake than the subjects who were asked to remember two numbers. I think studies like these are able to help us understand more about ourselves and our children's behavior. The researchers talk in the presentation about the logical and emotional brain and decision making. I'd love for you to listen to the info. Follow this link and find the "listen" button. By the way the radio presentation of the research in not only interesting but it is also entertaining. It's well worth a few minutes of you time. Look for the "Willpower and the Slacker Brain" article here Melanie

"A connected family provides a child with her first experiences in feeling safe, powerful, purposeful and like she belongs." -Heather Forbes

Today I want to give you a practical example of how we can be aware of the fear in our children's lives.

Kevin is away for work this week. Although our children have experienced Kevin leaving and returning many times in the past they are each affected by his absence. One of my jobs while he is away is to be in tune with this and to reassure them. This is especially significant for the two adopted children who are more sensitive to the impression of abandonment. But I have heard this week from the other two that they "miss Dad".

The quote from Heather Forbes above refers to "feeling safe". Our children experiencing the absence of their father as an issue of safety. In this instance, the kids are experiencing a difference in their daily lives, one of the most important people in their lives is gone and this is scary to them. For the kids who have a small window of tolerance and have trouble staying regulated, this can be an even more difficult experience. And there can be more difficult behaviors My job this week has been (aside from all of the day to day jobs) is to stay regulated and provide the safe base for the kids. To reassure them and acknowledge their fears and anxieties. Just this presence awareness, and acknowledgement can make all the difference for them.

My hope is that you can begin to see some of the feelings of fear in your child and understand where their behavior are based. It will make all the difference. Melanie

One of the core ideas that I will teach in my presentations and coaching is the Stress Model. Dr. Bryan Post developed the Stress Model to explain human behavior.

According to the Stress Model, all behavior arises from a state of stress. Between the behavior and the stress is the presence of a primary emotion. There are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. It is through the expression, processing and understanding of the primary emotion that you can calm the stress and diminish the behavior.

There's a great deal of information in the above statement. And to be honest with you I have struggled with the idea of only two primary emotions...especially as it related to fear being the emotion that drives difficult behaviors. I can tell you though that the more I look at behaviors through this lens, the more it is clear to me.

What has also been interesting to me as I learn and live with this model is that the idea of Love and Fear being the center of many theories of behavior. I've been reading the book "Love Leadership: The new way to lead in a fear-based world" by John Hope Bryant. In his book Mr. Bryant writes that through his success and failures in the business world he discovered that that a leader comes from either a place of Love or Fear. He outlines how, using Love Leadership, one can have true success. It's exciting for me to think that these ideas could be coming into the mainstream way of thinking!

Back to parenting. As I wrote above, the idea of my child's negative behaviors coming from the emotion of fear was a challenging concept for me to grasp. I'd argue with myself over and over that I just couldn't see the fear in a behavior. It seemed my child had a clear vision of what he was doing and I did not see fear behind it. Eventually I began to see the fear and when I look back on times when interactions I have with my chid that didn't go well I, in hind sight, can see the fear.

I want to challenge you to look at your child's difficult behaviors from this point of view. It is a challenge that you may struggle with too. That's ok. I'm happy to talk with you more about it too. Let me know if you can see the fear or not. Once we understand what's driving our children...then we can help them with their behaviors! Melanie

I'd like to invite you to join me for a free presentation on Dealing with Difficult Behaviors in Children. I will be presenting at St. Stephen School (740 Gladstone SE, East Grand Rapids, MI 49506) on February 23, 2010 from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. Using some of the most recent brain science I'll share information that will allow you to transform the most challenging behaviors in your child, how to shift out of tension, anger, blame and frustration, and how to create an environment for your family that is conducive to developing strong parent/child relationships. The evening is open to the public and there is not charge. Please RSVP to me at mhogeterp@gmail.com or leave me a comment here on the blog. Can't wait to see you! Melanie

This morning I attended a meeting where Kindy Segovia of the Kent Intermediate School District presented information on Assistive Technology for students. I was impressed with the amount of technology that is available to students to help in their learning and inspired by Kindy's knowledge of how technology can help our children to reach their potential.

I came away from the morning reminded that we live in a society where we have opportunities beyond most. And as the parents of children growing up today we have a responsibility to research, learn, and advocate for our children. Especially those children who may struggle to learn. If you have a child who is struggling to learn there may be technology out there that can aid their learning. I'm happy to pass on the information that Kindy gave me today and/or pass on Kindy's contact info. Send me and e-mail and I'll get that to you mhogeterp@gmail.com

Lastly, here's a quote from the info I received today: "The most dangerous experiment we can conduct with our children is to keep schooling the same at a time when every other aspect of our society is dramatically changing."

Melanie

Wow. I'm so excited. A couple of days ago I sent out an email telling people a bit about the services I'm offering and giving them the link to my blog. I've already had many people inquiring into my services and asking for presentations. I'm working on getting dates set up and will let you know when I'll be presenting as soon as the arrangements are made! Thanks for all of the support! Melanie