Predictability and consistency. It's something many of us have heard is important in our parenting. In the past I thought of predictability in relationship to the rules and schedules I set for the children. For example a child should have the same schedule each night: bath, brush teeth, potty, read books, kiss goodnight and off to sleep. Maybe you have too.

If we push this idea of predictability and consistency further we find a more important (and more challenging) part of the concept. While I do think that being predictable and consistent is important when it comes to rules and schedules I also think for our children it's more important that we are predictable and consistent. Think about it. There are always going to be times when the rules or schedules will change. Things happen. But, if our children can hold onto the knowledge that we as parents are predictable then they will be better able handle the natural changes and bumps in the road. We increase their ability to handle stress when they know they can count on us to be predictable and stable.

So, today expand your understanding of the importance of predictability. Are you consistent? Are you predictable? Think about your ability to handle stress. Are you the calm in the storm for your child? Do they know they can come to you when things are unsure? When they are feeling out of control do they look over and see you calm and consistent or do you join them in the overwhelm? This is what you want to be for your child. Predictable and consistent. Think about it. Melanie

I love you more than I love cookie dough.- Melanie Hogeterp

Yes, that's right today's post starts with a quote from me. My posts are often on the importance of relationship and today I'm giving an example of how we can put that into action.

A few weeks ago I took Nathan to a birthday party for one of his classmates. the party was at a local gym where the kids get to have all kinds of fun running, jumping, and swinging. Now birthday parties are a set up for Nathan. A party is one of the situations that he has a difficult time manging himself...or I should say after a birthday party. I stayed at the party to try to minimize some of the dysregualtion that would occur within him ( and to supervise his first real physical play after having his arm out of a cast). I didn't do much interacting with him at the party but was mostly a reassuring pressence for him.

When we returned home from the party I began making the cookies that I had begun making the day before. Nathan began struggling with what to do with himself and then became angry, yelling etc. I put aside my baking and attended to him. After he was calm I really wanted to get back to my cookies. So that's what I did. Soon after Nathan was at it again, angry and out of sorts.

I suddenly dawned on me that for today Nathan needed me to put away the cookie dough and focus on him. So that's what I did. And I told him that. "Nathan, I love you more than cookie dough".

The point of this is that I love to bake and it would have been my first choice for what to do that afternoon until I remembered that Nathan is more important. It's easy to forget that isn't it? It's easy to focus on the things we do and not the people we love.

Later that evening Nathan, Kevin and I talked about the afternoon. We told Nathan that we love him more than anything he can name. Then I asked him to name something. He began looking around the room and naming objects..."A book" he said. "I love you more than a book" we replied. "The dishes" he called out. "We love you more than the dishes" we affirmed. And on it went. I know the words were good for Nathan to hear. More importantly, it was a good reminder to me. Melanie

The most important 'nutrients' our children need are unconditional love, acceptance, and validation. The daily grind of getting out of the house on time, finishing up homework, and getting to bed at a decent hour, can put us in a place of giving conditional love, rejection, and invalidation. It is at this point that we have lost everything.-Heather Forbes

I gave this blog the title Parenting with Love. I'm thinking some will say well yes, of course we parent with love. We love our children and want them to grow into healthy, strong, contributing adults.

However, when we are parenting a child with difficult behaviors we've been told through many parenting books, other parents, and well meaning family what we need to do in order to change the child's behavior. I've come to a different understanding . Over my years as a professional, as a parent and in an effort to help Nathan I've taken time to read and study much of the information that is out there. As many of you know there is a lot of information out there and most of it focusses on changing our child's behavior. The key is if we focus on relationship and not on our child's behavior we can be the parents we want to be. As a result we can connect with our children and help them to grow.

I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about the relationship piece. It seems so simple to say that we need to focus on the relationship with our child. In reality though many things get in the way. Our children are "out of sorts". We are stressed. Things need to get done. The list of things goes on.

A change in focus is all that is needed. Clear priorities can make it happen. Looking within ourselves to see what is driving us can make it happen. Understanding what is driving our children's behavior can make it happen. This is all challenging and exciting! But it's so very worth the effort. Join me in the adventure of parenting with Love!

Kevin and I have had a unique parenting journey with the children that God has entrusted us with. We've learned so much from our children: Twins boys, a medically fragile child who did not live, a precious child who spent the first four years of her life in an institution and a sensitive boy who after three different homes before living with us has struggled to understand he will be with us forever. Even with all of these unique experiences, when I speak with other parents and they tell me their stories, I find that we have many, many similar experiences and many similar struggles.

In 1997 I earned my Masters Degree in Social Work. My professional experience includes working with with Adults, Teens and Children in the areas of grief, trauma, adoption, sexual assault, incest, domestic violence, and chronic mental illness. While all of these professional experiences have helped me to grow nothing has stretched me as parenting my own children.

For these reasons and others I am beginning this blog and as you will hear in the near future, I will be offering consulting and parent coaching services. I'm excited to share more of what I've learned with other parents in a formal venue and I'm anticipating learning more myself as I always do when listening to other parents. I'm hopeful that this blog will become a place for parents to come to learn and share. I have lots of exciting ideas and some great information to share!